The Ten Worst Horror Movie Monsters of All Time: Part 2
By: Karl Benacci
Let us commence part two of the countdown; if you thought the previously ranked monsters were lousy, get ready for the best of the best—or is it worst of the worst? And for maximum enjoyment, kindly revisit part one of the countdown here!
#5: Egon – Sting of Death
And you thought Dr. Spengler was the dorkiest Egon.
So there’s this awkward disfigured dude named Egon. Everyone belittles him, and we later learn the manure pile of a monster of Sting of Death fame is actually our good buddy, Egon—who somehow morphs into a jellyfish monster; it essentially comprises of a guy wearing a wetsuit and snorkeling flippers. But the best part is the head—a plastic bag that appears to emulate the body of a jellyfish. The ‘creature’ also has a few tentacles (nowhere as cool as Watermelon Monster’s). Yet when Egon becomes the jellyfish monster, he maintains visibly human heels sticking out of his flippers—OH, SNAP! The only thing shoddier than the jellyfish creature is the song Neil Sedaka sings in the film, titled: Do the Jellyfish (that sounds painful! Wasn’t there a warm apple pie to—oh, wait—I get it! Nevermind…).
#4: Giant Bird – The Giant Claw
The on-flight entertainment was totally killer!
The monster in this film is a giant buzzard resembling a mange-infested Toucan Sam. Though unlike our cereal pal, this is a female bird who somehow flew millions of years into the future through a supposed time warp so as to build a nest to lay an egg (an omelet lover’s dream, no doubt). This—coupled with the fact the creature has an unpiercable antimatter shield—makes for a hilarious B-movie.
#3: Watermelon Monster – Drunken Wu-Tang
Can I borrow your tooth brush?
Drunken Wu-Tang is cornier than—say— attempting to grind on a chick during an Eric Clapton song. But it’s also a radical action-packed karate movie chock-full of brilliant characters—the most memorable [arguably] being Watermelon Monster. This creature is much like Britney Spears—dumber than hell—but enjoyable to watch (I’m writing this in 2002 and Britney’s still hot—I had the enormous bird from The Giant Claw drop this article ten years into the future—hope Britney’s still wind pants-popping exquisite!). This dude is wicked—although Watermelon Monster is only waist high, it has sharp freaking teeth—it’s as if the killer condom (ranked #8 on the list) and Pac-Man mated, had a baby, and injected the newborn full of steroids, cocaine and silliness. Add this with whipping tentacles that also serve as ‘ticklers’ (watch the Youtube clip located at the bottom of the article and you’ll know what I’m referring to) and you have a hyper (yet somehow likeable) movie monster—despite its most annoying trait—a screechy high-pitched voice—it’s almost as dreadful as Ke$ha’s. Almost. And I bet Watermelon Monster smells better than Ke$ha too—it is watermelon, after all (THAT and it isn’t a greasy pile of STDs and hair extensions).
#2: Gingerbread Man – The Gingerdead Man
One is pure, murderous evil—the other is just a cookie.
My list wouldn’t be complete without a Full Moon Entertainment film, now would it? So in short… I visited my local grocery store—there was ginger (not scary)—and bread (again, not scary). And when you put the two together—IN THEORY—you have gingerbread (not scary, though hella delicious). But Gary Busey—he’s more terrifying than a horde of cloned Richard Simmons zombies. And the fact Busey dies in this movie (twice) creates a warm feeling in my heart (similar to Meatloaf). Personally, I think Gingerdead is cuter than a dilated-pupiled baby bunny; though after Brick feasted on Gingerdead’s head, the cookie was undoubtedly much more terrifying on the way out, if you know what I mean. Also, numerous times throughout the film, I’m reminded of Chucky—the killer ginger doll from the Child’s Play flicks (both in plot and character), though I’d be remiss by not mentioning before there was Child’s Play there was the movie Dolls, which was executive produced by the one and only Charles Band.
#1: Ro-Man – Robot Monster
Ro-Man likes to watch...
I did the unthinkable: I attempted to view this film in its entirety—my roommate later found me sprawled inside a trash dumpster… three days later—he claims I was mumbling incoherently and drooling like a rabid giraffe. The plot: Ro-Man’s a space monster and it’s his mission to kill every last human on earth. In short, this film is everything a B-movie should be: it has awful acting that’s delivered seriously, deliciously shitty dialogue, laughably bad special effects, and most importantly—a ridiculous monster. And here’s the best way to describe Ro-Man’s costume: the movie’s producer said to a production assistant, “We don’t have any money left over to make a robot monster suit—look around the warehouse and construct a costume that’ll razz their berries.” So the lowly P.A. searched around and located a gorilla costume along with a deep-sea diving helmet. He glued antennas to the helmet, and the rest is piss-story.
And that finalizes the countdown of the ten worst horror movie monsters of all time. But for all you hardcore horror fans out there, check out these clips of the films featured in this article:
(and be sure to check out part one of the countdown here!)