The Ten Worst Horror Movie Monsters of All Time: Part 1
By: Karl Benacci
What makes a horror film great? Sure—original concept, acting and dialogue are all important factors—but when it comes to creature features, the beastie is always the main ingredient. But for some films, the monster turns out to be a recipe for disaster. And sure—this can make for an awful movie—or an awfully awesome movie; my list is comprised of the latter. Yes—some of these films fall under the ‘bad movie’ category, but most are worth the watch; for having viewed them is part of being a well-rounded horror fan. However, to get through these films, I suggest copious amounts of alcohol and/or prescription/street narcotics. Trust me. And when you’re finished enjoying the first half of the countdown, click here for part two!
#10: Giant Gorilla & Giant Tyrannosaurus Rex – The Mighty Gorga
These monsters were acquired for two UPCs and $2.99 to cover shipping...
I can imagine the film’s production assistants asking the director (David L. Hewitt): “Can you please NOT put my name in the final credits?” Seriously—I’m surprised this film even burned to DVD—the idea goes against all that is rational. First off, the T.rex is actually a toy puppet—it’s so bad it’s beautiful. But Gorga takes the cake—it’s a dude in an ape suit, yet the eyes (which don’t face the same direction) are painted on the costume and [obviously] don’t move. You’ve heard the expression ‘it’s so bad it’s good’. Well—these two monsters surpass that saying. Couple this with the fact this movie not only stole the premise to King Kong, but copied the plot to a T, and you’ll undoubtedly wonder: What was David L. Hewitt smoking, and where can I get some? Also, I suggest you watch the video provided below (each film has a video link located at the bottom of this article), though your mind might be blown to bits as a result.
#9: Goblins – Troll 2
I never knew Jehovah's Witnesses wore matching outfits...
First, let’s establish one thing—any film where a kid pisses all over his vegetables is automatically cool. But come on—there aren’t any trolls in this film—they’re burlap-sack wearing goblins! And speaking of sack—the acting in this film stinks. Seriously—look at the provided picture (I especially enjoy the goblin on the right—in fact—I think he likes you). I know this is a movie for the youngsters, and it’s a fun film—don’t get me wrong—a dude is seduced by a hot chick VIA an ear of corn (this film is what it eats), but these dollar store-lookin’ goblins are secondary to the story and I will forever judo chop! them in the cranium VIA my imagination.
#8: Condoms – Killer Condom
Still a better option than knocking her up...
The premise and storyline of this film are side-splitting: when the male guests at a hotel in NYC are mysteriously having their wieners bitten-off, a gay detective takes the case (and ends up having one of his testicles bit off in the process). At any rate, after you watch this film, I can promise you’ll be sleeping on your stomach. The film’s actual tagline is Killer Condom: the rubber that rubs you out. Wait—you know what would be cool?—if a guy wearing a killer condom screwed the chick from the movie Teeth. See that? I just gave Hasbro—the makers of Hungry Hungry Hippos—the awesomest idea for a special edition version EVER. In closing, I haven’t decided if this movie monster is the worst or best ever, but it does bring one important facet to mind: the only upside of using a chomper-condom is you’ll never accidentally put the thing on backwards (awkward when that happens, eh)? Was that too much? My bad.
#7: Tree – From Hell It Came
He's so sporting a woody...
After being framed and executed for a crime he didn’t commit, an island prince returns as a tree and exacts his revenge on those who have wronged him. Honestly, this flick isn’t at all scary when compared to genuinely terrifying things such as mother-in-laws—who coincidentally happen to come from the very same place as the aforementioned tree creature. In fact, those moody trees in The Wizard of Oz are creepier than this forest fiend; because there’s something hilarious about watching an evil tree lumbering the countryside. However— this movie’s low film quality and molasses-slow pace made me want to bang my head against the wall to the point where I was fully-hoping Joey Gladstone (of the show Full House) and his annoying beaver puppet would show up to crack clichéd jokes and ultimately defeat the tree (perhaps by sliding a ‘killer condom’ over its stump). But for some reason that didn’t happen (I’ll drink more alcohol next time in hope that it does).
#6: ? – The Creeping Terror
I don’t know whether I should run from it or smoke it...
Much like the prior film mentioned, it’s tough to get a good look at this movie monster due to the bad film quality, but this horror resembles a bumpy, spore-covered carpet. And as observed in numerous horror films (such as The Blob), this menace moves slower than Congress, yet on numerous occasions, somehow catches a victim who’s running away in full stride. With your sanity in mind, if you’re going to watch this movie, I suggest downing a keg of Beast Ice and/or a handful of horse tranquilizers.
And for extra credit, check out these clips of the movies featured in this article:
(click here to check out part two of the countdown!)